Horrible Secrets
by loveandmisery333
Summary: Hotch is hiding something-something terrible. Will he tell the truth, or will it come crashing down on him? WARNINGS INSIDE (much better than it sounds)
1. Dangerous Waters

**WARNING! THIS STORY CONTAINS BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS OF A INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN AN ADULT/MINOR, SOME DISIPLINARY SPANKING OF A MINOR, AND A SLIGHTLY OUT OF CHARACTER HOTCH. (DON'T LIKE, DONT READ)**

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"The legal age of consent in Virgina is 15." Hotch thinks to himself.

"She's 16, you perv. Young enough to be your daughter. God. What is wrong with you?" His mind battles against his heart. He can not get his mind off Alison. She was beautiful. She had a smile like none other. She played on his heart strings. She laughed so beautifully, she was incredibly smart and had the best singing voice that just melted his heart.

She was also Rossi's goddaughter, turned actual daughter after her mother died 5 years ago and Rossi took her and her baby brother in. He had always felt bad for her because of that. Her dad had died in the line of duty when she was three. Her mom never settled down long with one guy. Apparently her brother's dad wasn't there much longer after her mom found out she was pregnant. Her mom had problems that was for sure. The pain of losing her husband had been too much; she had slowly fallen apart throughout the years. One day, she just gave up. Killed herself while Alison was at school; leaving her baby brother James on the floor crying.

The relationship had only started a couple of months ago. It felt right when they were together. Like it was meant to be. But when they were apart he could tell just how wrong it was. He knew he should not be with her; he sometimes felt like he was taking advantage of the poor girl. Did she even understand what thier relationship meant? God, Rossi would kill him if he found out. What was he doing with someone that young anyways? His mind was starting to trail off as Rossi himself walked in.

"A penny for your thoughts?" He could tell Hotch was having a bad day, so he came on in to check on him. It obvious to him once he walked in that Hotch didn't really want him there. It was obvious that the younger man was hiding something that was weighing him down pretty heavy.

` "Nothing really." He murmered, trying to push Alison off his mind as he talked to Rossi. What had he done? A sixteen year-old, seriously? In any profile he would give, a 45 year-old man who was sexually attracted to a 16 year-old was a pervert, no doubt about that. He glanced down at his desk and saw a photo of him and Rossi, both with thier arms around Alsion. It had been her 16th birthday party. Before anything happened between the two. He just wished he could go back to that moment. Undo everything he had done. Undo the monster he had become.

"Well if it is anything, you can talk to me about it." _No I can't,_ Hotch thought as Rossi started to leave. "Oh by the way Alison said she can't wait for this weekend. Thanks again Aaron." He smiled and left the room, hoping that maybe he would talk to her about it if appropriate. He hated to see Hotch suffer in private. He did it way too much, it was unhealthy.

This weekend they were going up to Rossi's cabin together, alone. Aaron had loved running and hiking while Alison ran cross country. Rossi thought it fit to let the two go up there together. He knew that the two got along well. She had always been extremely closed off. But with Aaron, she broke the barrier some. Aaron was someone she could trust. An adult she could talk to without feeling like they were breathing down her neck or judging her. Without trying to parent too much, worry too much like he himself was guilty of. He felt happy that she could have Aaron there for her; she needed it, with everything she had been through in life.

He could also tell she did the same-no one else seemed to help him open up like she did. But then again, she was the type of person any stranger would trust to hold onto thier deepest, darkest secrets and help solve all thier problems. She was just that amazing. Boy, was he lucky to be her father. And he was lucky to have Aaron too. Never would he have imagined them having anything other than a platonic relationship together. Boy, was he wrong.

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The ride to the cabin was fun, even though she got a little upset when she relised she had left her phone back at home. They both knew that it didn't matter anyway. There wasn't any cell service up at the cabin so all she could have used it for was to play angry birds. They blasted the radio, Whitney Houston filling the car. Alison talked to him about school and the dance coming up. (She expressed her desire to take him although she knew she couldn't.) They talked about what the weekend had in store for the two, and Aaron almost couldn't control himself as she teased him. Boy, he couldn't wait to get to that Cabin. When they finally reached it he could feel the excitement. They left thier bags in the car; they wanted to get in and 'relax' a bit first.

Alison ran up the walkway to the front door, teasingly motioning him over to it. When he finally got there and unlocked it, he held door open for her. But she didn't walk into the house. She just backed up into the frame. Alison pressed her hands out steched on the door frame teasingly. "I have a confession to make." She said, batting her eyelashes, trying to tease him. Aaron's brows furrowed as she teased him further on. "I've been a naughty girl." She said, slowly unbuttoning her blouse for him until she heard a fimiliar voice behind her and stopped three buttons down.

"Alison, go upstairs." He said, in the calmest voice possible. She spun around on her heels. The last person she had expected at the cabin was her dad. _Oh my god. I just unbuttoned some of my shirt in front of my dad. God, no._ She bit her lip instictively, playing around with her bracelet. Never had she been more nervous in her life. Never had she been in this much trouble; it was all new for her. She did NOT want to see her dad angry.

"Dad.. I can explain." She said, trying to fight back the constant flow of tears forming in her eyes. She couldn't really explain it. What did she even call all this? It was just all so new to her-what was all of this?

"Go upstairs." Rossi's voice rose a bit, showing her just how angry he truly was. She knew it wasn't worth it to keep arguing with him, but she continued on anyway. She loved Aaron too much to just go up without a fight.

"Please dad, I'm sorry." She could see her father was in no way kind to the obvious disrespect she was giving him right now. She had never been this disrespectful with him before. She felt a horrible feeling in her gut. So why did she keep going on? Was her love for Aaron _really_ that powerful?

Stepping dangerously closer, Rossi raised his voice some more to show he was not joking. "Get up there now or I swear you won't like the result." She had never seen her father so mad before.

Alison knew she was treading into dangerous waters, especially when Aaron just told her to listen to her father. But she wasn't going to have it. She had the right to be with him. She loved him, right? She let out a firm, challenging "No." Boy, was she in trouble now.

Rossi just grabbed her by the arm, positioning her in front of him sideways. He raised his arm up as far as he could and landed long, hard swats to her backside. She let out screams and tears as Aaron turned his shameful eyes away. After about 15 swats, he released her, and she ran upstairs.

"David.." Aaron tried, but was immediately cut off.

"Don't even try to explain yourself Aaron. I trusted you. I should have wondered why the two of you were so close. Why she was always so happy when I mentioned you. God, I just thought it was because she idolized you. But no, it's because you were taking advantage of how young she is. She can't fully understand what she's doing, YOU know that better than anyone. God." The words cut deep. Aaron felt like shit. How could he have done this? "When did it start?" David looked him square in his face.

"Five months ago." Aaron had never felt more ashamed of himself. He couldn't help but wonder how Rossi found out. Luckily, Rossi answered this for him by dropping down on the table what he recognised to be Alison's phone. It was opened up to thier texts. He looked down at the phone. Right there was thousands of texts. Thousands of confessions of love. But more importantly, there were a few texts in there that Hotch knew Rossi had not yet seen. If he had, Aaron knew he'd be dead by now. He relised right then and there what he had done.

Alison may have been at the age of consent, but those photos that he had stored on his phone, were legally an act of child pornography. It was at that moment that he relised Jack may be left without a father after all. In no universe would David not have him arrested for that. Why had he done this? Why get involved with a child? Why leave Jack without a father?

"Five months? You were together for five months?!" He could not believe this. He had trusted him, called him his friend, family even. And he had been going behind his back, taking advantage of his daughter, for **5 months**?! Aaron's head hung down in shame. He'd done that a lot so far today. "Who initiated the relationship?" He asked. Aaron didn't even have to speak before he knew the answer. He could read it in his face.

"I did." His voice cracked, tears started to form, he couldn't believe himself.

"Get out." Rossi demanded. He knew he had it in him right now to kill Aaron, and that was not something he would like to have on his permant record.

"David.. Please. I am so sorry. I.."

"Aaron Hotchner! I am not going to jail for killing you, do you understand me? You violated my daughter. I don't care if you had the legal capability to do so. She may be legal by this state's standards, but that doesn't matter. She is my daughter, you should have treated her as such. She is also 16, not fully capable of making informed decisions, you know that. And if I figure out you touched her in any way at all that she did not like, I will nail your ass to the ground. Now get out before you have to leave in a body bag," He threatened, trying to hold himself back from attacking the younger man. Hotch just nodded his head and left. Never had he seen Rossi that mad. Never had he been so disappointed in himself.

He would have been angry at Rossi for thinking that he even had the capability to hurt Alison in anyway, but he understood it. He had just broken his trust. Rossi would have never have thought he would be in any kind of relationship like that with his daughter. Now he had no idea what to think of him. Aaron knew he deserved to be looked on in that light. He was no better than the scum he spent his life putting away. So why is it that all he wanted to do was go back in there and kiss her?

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Rossi knew he had to calm down before he went to comfront her daughter about the relationship. He debated wether or not to pull out his stash and drink a bit before, but then told himself against it. No way would he approach his daughter drunk and angry. Looking down at the counter, he couldn't believe what was happening. He had trusted Aaron. Aaron was one of his greatest friends, hell he was family. Aaron had been like a son to him. But now, now he would never have his trust again. And he better as hell never come around Alison ever again. He didn't care how the two felt about eachother; they were to never see eachother again.

Oh, Alison. Why would she do this? God, Aaron was forty-five years old. She was 16. Straight A honors student at the top of her class. She loved reading and music. She was NOT the kind of kid to go behind his back. And she definately was not the kind of kind to be that disrespectful to him. She never got into any trouble, was always kind and respectful to everyone. She was that kind of kid. What had Aaron done to her? The thoughts ran so fast through her mind that he didn't even know what to make of them.

Rossi decided that he would cook some dinner before he went to go talk to her. So he put all his energy into making the perfect rissoto. Stirring and Sauteeing, he could feel himself starting to relax. He moved the mushrooms and garlic from the stove and went to go get the wine to add to the risotto, he noticed a bottle or two of his brandy was gone. _That bastard._ He thought in his brain, slamming his fist into the counter.

Anger rushed through his veins. Angry at Aaron for doing this, angry at himself for not catching on to it sooner. Angry that it went on for so long. But not angry at Alison. This wasn't her fault. He didn't care if she _had_ initiated the relationship. He was a grown man who knew better. But the fact that he started the relationship.. he was playing with her emotions. It wasn't right.

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Alison sat on the bed crying. Aaron was the only person who understood her. The only person willing enough to sit down for forty minutes and listen to her rant about how much she loved The Beatles. The only person that thought it was cute she didn't brush her hair everyday. The only person willing to love her that way. But now there was no way in hell her dad was ever going to let them see each other again.

Who was going to love her now? She heard the whole fight between her dad and Aaron, up until the door slammed. She knew for sure she was in deep trouble. Why had she acted like that? That wasn't her, was it? Oh, god he was going to be so mad at her. She was such a horrible person. Why did she even exist?

It felt like days as she waited there and cried. When Rossi walked in, all he could see was her bright red eyes and the shame painted across her face. She expected him to start yelling. Start lecturing her on how what she had done was not right. To her suprise, he just sat down next to her and held her. No yelling, lecturing, nothing. She just cried into her shoulder. She remembered when Aaron first asked her out. At first, they just went on a run together like usual. When they took a break at a fork in the road, they sat on a huge dead log together. He told her how much he loved her. How much he thought about her everyday. How bad he felt for it. She just held him and told him it was okay.

She had no idea what to think of it, really. No one had ever told her they loved her that way before. It didn't make sense. But when he asked her if she'd like to go to the movies that night, she couldn't think of how to say no. So she went on that date, and the next one, and the next. She didn't really like it at first. He was older, her dad's friend. It felt weird. When they kissed, she felt nothing but gross. But he kept treating her like a princess, showed her how much he loved her. Gave her whatever he thought she might want. Didn't push her. She liked that. It made her feel safe, loved. It didn't take her long after that to fall in love with him. But now he was being ripped away from her. Who was going to treat her like that now? She started to shake with tears.

"Va bene tesoro, sarà bene." He whispered in her ear. "Va bene." (It's okay sweetheart, It'll be okay.)

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	2. Recognition

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 **Disclaimer; I'm not living in a mansion with Matthew Gray Gubler right now (or a beach house with Thomas Gibson) so I guess that can tell you that I own no rights to Criminal Minds or its characters.**

 **For those of you who read my other stories, Love Lost and Bewildered should be updated by the end of the week. For some reason, this story is actually becoming a lot easier for me to write, I guess death isn't really something I'm good with coping around right now, making it harder to get that story out. Although, all writing is kinda hard right now. Hopefully it's just a rough patch.**

 **WARNING! THIS STORY CONTAINS BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS OF A INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN AN ADULT/MINOR, SOME DISIPLINARY SPANKING OF A MINOR, AND A SLIGHTLY OUT OF CHARACTER HOTCH. (DON'T LIKE, DONT READ) (NO SLASH)**

 **Hope y'all enjoy.**

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Aaron was deeply disappointed in himself as he walked out of the cabin. Boy, had he screwed up. He reached in his pocket for his keys as he slowly made his way to his car. He debated what he should do. What was right, or what he wanted more than anything in the world? His fingers fumbled around with his keys for a moment as he tried to open the car door. Pushing himself onto the seat, he closed the car door and leaned his head back. What had he done? What had he done? _I ruined my life, Alison's life, Rossi's life, Jack's life, the team._ He thought, answering himself.

 _The team._ He thought again, closing his eyes as tight as possible. _What do I tell the team? That I arrested people for doing what I did the moment I got home? That I'm a screw-up that was probably going to leave Jack without a father? That I violated a teenage girl for five whole months and never said a thing?_ He hit his head on the steering wheel, slightly hoping that he'd split his head open and bleed to death before he made it to the hospital. He was scum that didn't deserve to walk on this Earth another minute longer.

Part of him wanted to go back in there, convince Rossi to not turn him into the cops. Part of him wanted to get Alison, pick up Jack from Jessica's and just go. Go anywhere but here. Spend his life with her, the girl whom he loved. But that part of him was not sane. It was not trustworthy. He couldn't listen to it. He knew what he had to do. Tomorrow he would have to go to Matt Cruz's office and put in his immediate request for resignation. He'd tell the team, then turn himself into the police that afternoon. But now he had to go deal with Jessica. She was not going to be happy with him. But he knew she'd take in Jack. She loved him so much, of course she was going to take care of Jack. But she'd be furious with Aaron.

It took him forever to even get his keys in the ignition. He knew the ride was going to be long, and he didn't want to be left with his thoughts for so long, especially since some of those thoughts were extremely inappropriate thoughts about a teenage girl. He turned on the radio to drown out the thoughts racing in his head.

His whole body shook the entire ride. He had never been like this before. Something had changed in him over the last year-he was sure of it. He noticed the little things that changed at first. But what happened with Alison, he knew he was in the wrong. Aaron was a man of justice, he would never do something like that. But he did, and he kept doing it. Aaron knew he was breaking, but not until now did he realize how badly. Pulling up into Jessica's driveway, he hit his own head on the steering wheel.

The walk up to her house was probably the hardest thing he had ever done. Jessica would yell at him. Rightfully accuse him of being a pedophile. Tell him to get out. She would never want him near Jack again. Part of him wanted her to be out. To have gone to the store or something. But the car in the driveway and the sound of cartoons he could hear as he walked up the steps told him otherwise.

Jessica didn't understand why Hotch was home so early from the Cabin. She didn't understand why he knocked on the door when he usually just walked right in when Jack was there and the door wasn't locked. She didn't understand the pain in his eyes and the pain in his voice when he asked her to talk in private, outside on the porch. The pain in his eyes when his little boy came up, so happy to see his father. "What's going on, Aaron?"

"I'm so sorry." His voice broke, and the for first time since her sister's funeral she saw tears running down his cheek. What the hell was going on? Thousands of scenarios popped into her head, but none of them could have prepared her for the actual truth. And when he told her that truth, she got so angry that she just slapped him in the face. "How could you?!" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

"I can't believe you." Her voice broke and she was in full tears. "Haley would be so mad at you right now. She wouldn't even be able to look at you. She loved you, she did not love this you." She wasn't screaming as loud now, but was still screaming.

"I know" he broke, "And I know that I can't be Jack's father anymore. After I tell the team tomorrow, I'm going to turn myself in."

"Great, now Jack will lose both his mother and his father, both to your own stupidity." She screamed, practically just thrusting a knife into Aaron's heart.

"I shouldn't have done it, I know. And leaving Jack behind, it's going to be something I spend the rest of my life regretting."

"What about Alison, huh? That's what you should really be regretting. Out of all the things you could have done Aaron, that is the lowest of the lowest. In no world would Haley would have forgiven you, and in no world will I. I'll take care of Jack, but that's because he did nothing to deserve _you._ " Tears streamed down her face as she thought about Jack inside. God, he worshipped Aaron. Aaron fought the bad guys. He didn't become one. "Go inside and tell your son why his hero is leaving him. Then I want you gone, you understand me?" She asked, her voice breaking as Aaron nodded his head.

Walking inside, Aaron's knees felt heavy. When he walked into the room where his son was watching cartoons, he felt his throat becoming tighter.

"Daddy, you wanna watch cartoons?" He asked, the biggest smile on his face. Aaron picked up the remote and turned the TV off.

"Not today, honey. There's something I have to tell you." There were tears in his eyes as Aaron sat down on the couch and pulled Jack onto his knees, watching as his son looked up to him to get him to move along with the news. "You know how Daddy catches the bad guys, and then the bad guys have to go away for awhile.?" The young boy nodded his head. "Well.. Sometimes the bad guys are the good guys who make bad mistakes."

"But if they do something bad, doesn't that make them bad?" The question tore at his heart.

"Not always, sometimes people just do bad things, that doesn't make them bad. Sometimes a bad guy can become a good guy." Once his son nodded in understanding, he knew he could continue. "Well, your daddy did a bad thing. Now he has to go away for a bit, you understand?"

"But I thought you put the bad guys away." Aaron could not look into his son's pleading eyes.

"I do, but now daddy messed up and he has to go too."

"But whose gonna catch all the bad guys when you're away?"

"My team will buddy. Uncle Rossi and Uncle Derek and Uncle Spence and Aunt Penelope and Aunt Emily and Auntie JJ. They'll all be there to keep it safe." He was crying, and so was his son.

"But I'm gonna miss you." He cried, and Aaron pulled him into a hug.

"I will too, baby. I will too."

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Alison was barely picking at her risotto, mostly just moving it around her plate with the fork. Usually this was a dish she would have downed in seconds. But today she could barely even think about eating. "Cosa ti turba a cuore?" Rossi asked, breaking the silence. (What's bothering you sweetheart?)

"I... It's just I... I screwed up, didn't I?" She asked, her face still not lifting from her plate and her fork still pushing food around.

He placed his hand on hers. "You should have known if you couldn't tell me then you shouldn't be doing it. But it should have never even been discussed in the first place. Aaron knew better, he was the adult. He should have stopped it before it started. Not started it in the first place. It's not your fault."

She finally lifted her head up, but still looked the opposite way. "Is... Is Aaron going to go to jail?" She found herself asking, even though she wasn't sure whether or not she even wanted to know.

"Legally, there's nothing he did wrong." He said, anger grasping once again. "The legal age of consent is 15 in Virginia. He can't be charged with anything, unless there is something you're not telling me." He watched as she hung her head in shame. "Tesoro?" (sweetheart) He asked in a low voice, knowing there was something she was not telling him. Something he knew he wasn't going to like.

"We sent.. pictures. I knew it was illegal 'cause one of the girls in my class.. her boyfriend was charged with having them. I.. I don't want to get Aaron in trouble. It's just I.. I.. I can't lie to you, Papa." She began shaking and convulsing again with tears, leading Rossi to leave his seat and come over to her, holding her while she cried.

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Aaron's morning had been terrible. He couldn't sleep all night. He hardly could do anything without thinking of the horrible mess of everyone's lives he had made. His mind darted to all the pedophiles he had put away over the years, realizing good and well enough that tonight he'd be added to his own list.

The conversation he had with Matt Cruz had been a tough one. Cruz looked at him with disgust, made him had over his badge and gun, and told him he was not to ever enter the BAU after today. He could tell his team and get his stuff, but that would be all. Hotch just nodded his head and made the dreaded walk into the BAU that day.

Walking in, he saw all the people he had worked with for years. The people who trusted him the most. The people who were willing to sacrifice their lives for his. The people he would be willing to do the same for. The people who would be willing to kill him. He went straight for his office, acknowledging that the light was on and that Rossi was probably inside waiting for him. Sure enough, he was right.

"I cannot believe you." Rossi said once Hotch walked in, giving him a stare that told him he better not interrupt him. "I had to hold Alison all night just so she could get some sleep. Why, because some 45-year-old man took advantage of her? She is sixteen, you knew better. You're also a profiler. She may be in love with you now, but even I can see she was uncomfortable with it from the beginning. You had no right to even THINK about a relationship with her. And those little pictures on her phone, and probably yours give me more than enough reason to have you locked up."

"I know. That's why I resigned with Cruz this morning. I'm only here to fess up to the team and to gather my things. I'll have my things shipped to a storage container. After I'm finished here, I'll go to the local police and turn myself in." He looked down at his desk. "Are you going to be here when I tell them?" He asked, his voice cautious and full of regret.

"Hell, of course I am." He bit his lip. "You better not tell one single lie, you hear me? And once you are done and packed, I want you out of this office and straight to the police station, you hear me? I never want to see you here again." He spat out the words like knives, and left, promising to gather everyone up in the conference room within thirty minutes.

It gave Aaron some much needed time to think to himself. The last day or so had been hectic. He couldn't wrap his mind around everything that had happened. _Everything that he had done._ He felt himself lost in his thoughts until the clock told him it was time. Boy, was this going to be a tough meeting. He definitely did NOT want to see any of their reactions. But he had to do this. It was his fault, he had to make it as right as he could. He may not be able to undo the terrible things he did, but he could make sure he paid for them.

Walking into the round table room, he saw everyone's worried expressions. They knew something was up. Hotch looked around the room, noticing Rossi was not yet there. He opened his mouth to say he was going to wait for him, but as if he had waited for Hotch to enter, he came trailing in with an angry expression and sat at a lonely chair in the back of the room. This did not go unnoticed by the rest of the team.

Morgan was the first to speak up. "Hotch, what's going on here, man?" He didn't understand what was going on, but he knew he wasn't going to like it. And by the hesitation that grew over Hotch, he started to get really worried.

"Five months ago, I did something horrible, and even worse, I let it continue for the time since. I committed felony acts, let this team down, and ruined everything it is that I had worked for." Taking a pause, he looked up at the team. Shock, concern, and confusion filled their faces.

"What happened?" JJ's voice was hesitant. She wasn't sure whether or not she even wanted to know, but she was going to find out.

"I was involved with Alison, in a relationship that I initiated.." It came out quick. He did not want to dwell on it. He wanted to just get it out, wait for the explosion that would occur afterwards. He didn't even want to acknowledge it-what he had done was so horrible. There was no way they were going to forgive him. And the looks on his team's faces told him he was right.

"You WHAT?" Derek was the first to explode, slamming his hands on the table, making Reid and Emily jump. The anger was quickly pouring out of him. He couldn't believe this. He knew that Hotch had changed in the last few months.. he seemed to be becoming more and more distant from the team, losing the passion he once had for the job-losing himself. Everyone had noticed it. No one had said a word. Maybe if they had, Hotch would have done this. But he knew that was a lie. This was nobody's fault except Hotch's.

"I'm so sorry." Aaron hung his head to the floor. He was having trouble looking at his team. As a profiler, looking into their eyes he could see just what they were thinking. And those thoughts he did not want to hear.

"You're sorry? You're sorry for molesting a 16 year-old girl?" JJ's eyes were rimmed red, and she was obviously on the edge of breaking one way or another. "How could you Aaron? You of all people should know better." Her voice cracked with every tear-soaked letter she poduced. Her maternal instincts had kicked into over drive. They always did that when a kid was in danger.

"I know I should have. That's why Cruz recieved my resignation this morning. And why I will be heading to the local PD when I'm finished packing." His voice cracked.

JJ stood up and started to walk out the door. Hotch drew out his arm, trying to stop her, but she just returned a slap to his face. A few tears made his way down his cheek as Penelope got up, just shaking her head at him, and walking away.

The others sat there in silence until Morgan stood up. As he walked out, he stopped in front of Hotch. "You better not come back here." He said sternly, then kept walking on, with Emily trailing close behind him, delibertly not looking him in the face. Hotch could feel his heart starting to break. He looked at the last occupant of the round table, Reid. They didn't say anything, he just sat there. Until Reid quietly walked away. Hotch knew not to push him. He knew it wouldn't do any good. He looked at Rossi-boy was Rossi angry. He didn't want to be in the room right now. He had to leave. He went to his office and finished packing. He labeled them all for his storage unit. Cruz had said he'd send them there.

Walking to his car, his mind was racing. He felt horrible-he was horrible. He wanted more than anything to control time. So he could go back-never do what he had done-never had let it continue. He made his way for the police station. But there was one thing he had to do first-one thing he had to see before he left-before he was locked up.

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 **Hey. Thanks so much for reading. There is one thing I would like to address. I, in no way, think that the relationship between Hotch and Alison is acceptable. I am writing this story for two main reasons-1. I like fanfictions where Hotch or another member is a bad guy and 2. I think that the age of consent laws in some states are RIDICULOUS and I wanted to bring that to light. It is sooo stupid that anyone would think a relationship between a 16-year-old and a 45-year-old should be legal, but it is. Thankfully, due to some research on the topic, I learned that Virginia's child pornography laws still state anyone under 18, unlike my home state, allowing some leway where these guys don't go free all the time. I also want this to be about Hotch undoing his mistakes, and I will say very little about anything romantic between him and Alison. Thank you for reading, please review it means so much to me lovelies.**


	3. Confused

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 **WARNING! THIS STORY CONTAINS BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS OF A INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN AN ADULT/MINOR, SOME DISIPLINARY SPANKING OF A MINOR, AND A SLIGHTLY OUT OF CHARACTER HOTCH. (DON'T LIKE, DONT READ) (NO SLASH/ NOTHING GRAPHIC)**

 **Disclaimer; I'm not dancing in a night club with AJ Cook or Paget Brewster right now so I guess that can tell you that I own no rights to Criminal Minds or its characters.**

 **So sorry for all the hold up, things have been... least to crazy lately. I've been having some trouble with the whole writing thing. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Also... Love Lost and Bewildered should be updated soon, I've actually been writing bits and peices here and there, so I hope to get it up soon.**

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760 days later...

"Hotch." She said quietly as he pulled himself into the passenger's seat.

"Thanks for picking me up." He said, looking back at the compound behind him he was glad he'd never have to see again. Looking at Emily, he could see the dissappointment written across her face as they drove away in silence. Over two years later, and he knew not a single person was any less dissapointed in him, even when he wrote atleast one of them every day he could remeber to, the only replies he ever got back was once or twice from JJ and a few from Reid. He thought about all the horrible things he had done, why he had done them. The reasons why he had never told anyone why, when he figured it out.

As they drove on, Emily finally got the courage to ask the question that'd been racking around in her brain for awhile now. "Why did you do it?"

"I don't know." He lied. He did know why. He should have noticed it back before, when he started the relationship with Alison, couldn't deal with the stress right, had difficulty keeping focused. had trouble making calls with the BAU, and started to get angry about small things. He had let Rossi and Morgan make more decisions because his kept being the wrong kinds. But he didn't know why. He didn't know why until he blew up on another prisoner for something so small and got 30 extra days. He didn't know why until he started to get problems with his vision. When things started to get too complicated to understand. When the headaches started. He had acute brain damage left untreated that had grown to become massive. But it wasn't an excuse, he didn't let his lawyer find out. His lawyer had already gotten him too little time for his liking, 2 years. He didn't deserve two years. He deserved so much more, that was the one thing he was still sure of. He decided then, to wait until he got out to get treatment. If he hadn't, he would have had to request a transfer to another prison that had that kind of treatment, which would alert his lawyer and he'd definately try to get him in some kind of mental treatment facility instead. He didn't want that, he deserved prison.

But Emily was one person who could see right through him. "I know you're lying Hotch."

"Emily.. I really don't know, something was... wrong about me back then. I don't know what." He closed his eyes, hoping that she'd just drop it.

"Was it drugs?" She asked, keeping her face focused on the road.

"What? NO. I'd never do drugs." He looked out the window. Of course she'd think it was drugs, what else would she have to think it was?

"And I thought you'd never have sex with a teenage girl, but I was wrong about that too." She sighed, slumping down in the chair some more. "Hotch, before the whole thing blew up, we were all worried about you. You weren't getting sleep, you barely did anything outside of work, you started to show your emotions, stopped making the big decisions, leaving it up to Rossi or Morgan. You became distant, you stopped having any passion for it. After you left, I think everyone just swept that under the rug.. Or wrote it off as guilt. But I know you. Something was going on. What was it?"

"I had... I have massive brain damage. I have... problems thinking, rationalising, making decisions. It's gotten alot worse. Today... today just happens to be a good day." A tear dropped down his face.

Emily pulled over to the side of the road. "Why didn't you tell anyone?" She said, looking at him, but he still had his head focused on his lap.

"I deserved to go to jail. What I did was wrong, if I had told my lawyer, he would have protested the court to change my sentence to a treatment facility." He said, another two tears escaping.

She looked back at the steering wheel. "If it was one of our unsubs, and we found out they had that kind of brain damage... We would have had them assigned to a mentall facility as well."

"I'm not one of them. I'm worse. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I putting people away or what I was doing,"

"Did you Hotch, did you really understand?" She questioned. Things were starting to fix into place.

"Not in the beginning, Hell, not for awhile. Things were so... confused. I didn't really realise what exactly it was I was doing until, a little over a week before Rossi found out. I was going to breakup with her at the Cabin."

"You need to tell Rossi." She said, queitly. "He deserves to know."

"I don't want him to think I'm trying to make excuses for myself." He broke. It scared Emily, it scared her because she could no longer see Hotch in himself. This wasn't the same person who had hired her.

"He needs to know. He needs to know one of his best friends didn't just... just... do something like that. He needs to know why. After all of this, he of all people should know why." The car got quiet again, and she pulled the car back onto the road. After awhile of driving she asked, "Do you have a place to stay?"

"No, I was going to stop by the bank and get some money out of my account, find a hotel nearby until I can arrange to leave." He sighed. "I'm going to move to New York, my brother owns his own bar now, said I could move in with him if I wanted, once he is back from vacarion with Jessica and Jack." He paused for a little. "There's a good treatment place up there. I could get the help I need, especially for the bad days."

"How bad does it get?" She asked, geniunely curious.

"A guard had to teach me how to tie my shoe the other day." He said, another tear making its way down his cheek. She felt bad for him, something she had never expected to happen.

"You can't be alone right now. I'll see if you can stay with me for a couple days, just until your brother gets back." She paused. That would not be easy to explain to her boyfriend. Boy, would he put up a fit.

"I would really appreciate that, but I don't know, that's a lot to ask from you, too much." He said, not really wanting to take help from his friend, especially after all he had done to dissapoint her.

"I really wouldn't mind. It's the least I could do. I don't know how Derek would feel about it though," She said, biting her lip. She had yet to tell Hotch about their relationship, and the fact they were living together. The two had only talked once in two years, when he called to ask for the ride. Besides the letters she never responded to, there had been no other forms of communication.

"You and Morgan are together?" He asked, as she nodded. "Never saw that one coming." He laughed, ignoring the pain that was starting to form in the side of his head.

"Yeah, for about 11 months. We moved in together about two months ago." She sighed. She really did love him.

"He won't like me staying with you."

"He'll have to deal with it." She looked at him. "If you let me explain why, he will understand."

"I don't want him to know." He looked away from her.

"He'll find out, what if you have a 'bad day'?" Aaron just nodded his head and the rest of the car ride was silent.

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"The extra room is the first door to the left." She said, pointing that way and sitting her purse down and pulling out her phone.

 _Hey Beautiful, text me when you get home from picking Hotch up._

 _Hey Baby._

 _You okay? How'd things go?_

 _Hotch is going to stay with us for a few days. She knew it was better to rip it off like a band-aid, but it still felt weird._

 _WHAT? That Bastard is NOT staying with us, uh uh._

 _Listen, when you get home, I'll explain things._

 _Explain what? I want nothing to do with that man, understand me?_

 _I understand your feelings, but I had no choice. I had too._

 _That man can be left alone, he's done enough damage._

 _Hear me out. Then you can say what you want._

 _Does Rossi know about this?_

 _No, I haven't gotten the chance..._

 _Whatever. He should know, but since I'm here I'll tell him. We'll talk when I get home._

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It felt like forever before Derek walked in. She had checked in on Hotch, but he had fallen asleep. She just sighed. _This was not going to go well._

As he walked in, Emily could tell he was absolutely pissed. "Hey Derek." She said as he walked in.

"Don't 'Hey Derek' Me." He said, frustrated. He took off his gun and put it in the safe before returning to his wife at the kitchen bar. "Why on Earth did you let _that man_ into _our_ house?"

"He couldn't be left alone, Derek, he didn't even want to stay with us but... I wasn't going to let him be alone."

"So? He couldn't call Jessica?" He was fuming. That man had violated his trust beyond belief. "And why can't the man be by himself for god's sake? He's a damn Bastard who don't know boundries or trust not a child." He practically yelled, not noticing Hotch, who had just walked into the kitchen.

"Morgan." He said quietly, looking down at the floor, his voice causing Derek to turn around.

"I'm sorry man, but I can't trust you here. I don't trust you anymore at all. What you did was sick."

"I know, and I'm really sorry, and there's no way I can undo what I've done, but Derek, I only need to stay a few days. Then Jess and Sean will be back with Jack from vacation, and I'll go home with them."

"Then get your own damn place." Aaron's head hung down at the floor.

"I should go, he's right, Emily. I shouldn't be here. I'll get a hotel..." He said, leaning on his feet.

"Goddamn Hotch, tell him." She said, knowing he was letting his pride get way too much in the way. _Atleast that part of him was still there._

"I have brain damage, probably from an unsub or something. It was fine at first, but my doctors said that it probably spread over the last three years. I.. I can't take care of myself anymore. Today's a good day... but some aren't as great." He kept his eyes on his feet as he confessed.

"What kind of brain damage?" Derek asked, starting to get a knot in his stomache. _Was that what happened? Did Hotch not really understand his actions? Was this just some ploy for an excuse? They'd seen it before, but that was with unsubs. Unsubs who were normal people, but just changed because of an accident. Thier thinking became flawed, their emotions became uncontrollable. Like a case they had worked after Hotch left. The man had been in a bike accident, become absolutely angry with women, since one had ran him over. He didn't understand anymore that hurting them was wrong and he couldn't control anger. He didn't see it anymore. He always felt somewhat bad for those unsubs, they weren't always killers, something changed them, and that had to be scary._

"It was just frontal lobe damage... but it spread." His voice hitched. This was not something he had wanted to share.

Morgan was stunned, to say the least. He had been searching for an answer as to why for the last two years, but had settled on the fact that he may never get one. But this explaination... It was too much to bear. Hotch wasn't one of their unsubs. Hotch was Hotch... He had control, not his brain. "Why didn't you tell someone? You needed treatment, a mental facility. Not jail, where you could get in a fight and hit your head again."

"I deserved jail."

"Hotch, you did not. If it was an unsub and it was the same situation, you would be recommending mental facility care too." A different kind of anger crept into himself. The kind that was angry at himself for not seeing it sooner.

They sat and talked for hours about Hotch, all that had happened, about the treatment Hotch was going to recieve. Morgan was not happy with Hotch, what he did was not okay. But Hotch had no real clue what he was doing until shortly before he was caught, in a small period of complete lucidness. Hotch talked about the psychatic ward he was placed in, with a single psychatrist who didn't know what to do with him, and with prisoners who really only had depression or small forms of PTSD. Emily asked him if he was really okay today, and he said other than a small headache he was okay, which prompted her to grab some idroprophen for him.

"Hotch, I'm going to call Rossi. You should tell him the truth." He said, knowing Rossi would need to hear this. He wouldn't be happy that Hotch hadn't told him sooner, and he probably wouldn't take it to well. But he needed to hear it. He needed to know one of his best friends hadn't intentionally just destroyed him and his daughter like that.

"Please, I don't want him to think I'm trying to make excuses. I'm not." He said, his head starting to pain him even more, even with the help of the medicine.

"He won't think that. He needs to hear this, Hotch." Hotch nodded, the pain suddenly becoming to much to bear, he grimmiced and grabbed his head into his hands, immediately worrying the couple infront of him. They helped him into bed, stashing a bottle of water by his bedside.

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Emily sighed as the door bell rang. It was eight a.m. and Rossi had promised to come over before work so Hotch could talk to him. He had been reluctant of course. But Emily had forgotten to wake Hotch up, so Derek ran to go wake him up while she answered the door.

"Hotch." He said, flipping on the lights. Hotch woke up, but was unaware of his surroundings- or the man in front of him. He started freaking out, Derek ran over to comfort him, but he screamed.

"Shh.." Derek soothed. "Hotch, It's me. Derek. Hotch calm down." He said while Hotch screamed 'who are you?' over and over again. Soon, Emily ran in, trying to help calm him down, but niether could help him. Rossi was watching everything from the doorway, completely unaware of anything going on.

It took the two about thirty minutes to explain the surroundings and details to Hotch, who had even forgotten his own name. They got him to go back to bed, then pulled Rossi out to the living room. "What's going on?"

"I drove Hotch back from the prison. I kept asking him why he did it, and I could tell he had an answer but wasn't going to share it. He eventually did, telling me that he'd suffered head trauma, and couldn't make rational decisions or think staight. He's been having a lot of problems due to lack of treatment, since it spread to other areas of his brain."

"When did he suffer this injury? In prison?" Rossi worried. Had that been why he did those things?

"No, about a year before. It must have been on a case." Realisation sat into him. His best friend hadn't betrayed him on purpose. He hadn't hurt his child knowing what he was doing. His emotions and rationales had been out of control.

"He seemed to know what was going on when we caught him."

"He'd been having a long standing lucid moment. His doctor told him that his body had been repairing itself, you know, other parts of the brain taking over those responsibilities, but something must have happened, after he was caught, that caused it to spread again." Morgan looked at his feet. Just a day ago he hated Hotch. Now... now he had no idea what he felt. Don't get him wrong. He was furious at what Hotch did, but the fact that the man didn't know what he was doing was pulling his heart and his brain every which way. "He was going to break up with Alison right before the Cabin trip was over."

"And he wasn't placed in a mental hospital? The man shouldn't have been in a prison, where another injury could have made it worse, which it obviously must have!" Rossi said, now furious for a different reason than he originally had been when entering this place.

"He refused for them to even tell his lawyer, he was insistent on being in prison to pay for his actions. Now, instead of being unaware of what he's doing is wrong, he's the oppisite. Completely unaware of anything except the fact he's done wrong. He doesn't even realise that he needs help, really." Emily now piped up.

"They shouldn't have made him let that damn decision. He can't make rational decisions." Rossi said, his mind fluttering around in a billion different directions. "They should have, in the least, told his lawyer. Hotch needed help, not jail." In a few seconds, all that anger he had once had for Hotch had been replaced upon the shotty prison system that had failed him.

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 **Okay, so I know that was kind of a twist. I hope that y'all don't think I am trying to downplay what Hotch did. I'm just trying to make him seem like a more realistic Hotch. I apologise for any inconsitentcies, I've done some research on brain injuries, and know that this kind of stuff can happen, but I feel like I'm making Hotch's character kind of inconsistent at parts, hopefully I can straighten him back up some in the next chapter. Thanks for reading please leave a review, it would mean so much to me**.


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